CANCER...It is simply defined in Webster's Dictionary as a harmful growth on or in the body that may keep spreading and be fatal if not treated. Short and to the point, isn't it? What it doesn't say speaks volumes, though. That word--cancer--conjures up all manner of worry, dread, fear, pain, suffering, depression and weariness for me. The mere mention of the word has, at times in my life, made me physically sick. I have been struggling with why this disease seems to have my family in such a grip. I ask "Why me?" Then I settle down and think "Why not me?" I mean, really, why not me? I am no more special than anyone else.
One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with is that the world goes on. In the midst of all the running from here to there; trying to make time with your loved ones; making arrangements for final wishes; trying to explain to the children what you, yourself don't even have a good grasp of...everyone else is just going about their little lives like nothing has happened. And you know what? Nothing quite like what you have experienced has happened to most of them. And until something similarly dreadful has touched others, it is difficult to receive comfort from them because you think they have absolutely no idea what you are dealing with. They want to help in some way. People don't know exactly what to say or do. However, because of the frequency with which I have had to deal with this disease and the absolute carnage it leaves behind--I feel a bit more empathy or sympathy for others.
I know what it is to try everything possible to beat cancer. I know what it is to live through the awful sickness of chemotherapy and radiation and morphine and shots and pills and patches and wheelchairs and hospital beds and shower chairs. I know what it is to want to feed a loved one who does not want to eat anymore. I know what it is to think that if they would only eat they would feel better. I know what it is to pray and pray and pray for healing. I know what it is to stop praying. I know what it is to rest in the fact that others are praying because you don't know what to say to God anymore. I know what it is to watch fever take over a body. I know what it is to look into the eyes of a loved one and not see a speck of recognition. I know what it is to watch a loved one sleep and realize that you will have no more conversations with them. I know what it is to watch their chest to monitor their breathing. I know what it is to see bedsores appear. I know what it is to hear the doctors say there is nothing more that can be done. I know. I know what it is to call for hospice care. I know what it is to not want to leave the bedside of a loved one. I know what it is to have left--only to be called and told they are gone. I know what it is to be called and told to hurry and get there quickly. I know what it is to not make it. I know what it is to pick out clothes and flowers and songs and stories and caskets and cemetery plots and markers. I know what it is to write an obituary. I know what it is to stand at a casket for hours as friends and family come to pay their respects. I know. I know what it is to not remember if you have eaten or bathed or slept. I know what it is to hear a gun salute and swallow the lump in your throat when the bagpipes play. I know what it is to not want to leave the cemetery. I know what it is to have pictures developed and have your loved one in shots you had completely forgotten about. I know what it is to hear a loved ones recorded voice on an answering machine after they are gone; the stab of pain when you realize it's just a recording. I know what it is to drown in grief and despair and depression. I know what it is to get mail addressed to a lost loved one. I know what it is to have to explain to someone the whole story--weeks or months later because they haven't heard--and realize your heart has ripped open once again in the retelling. I know what it is when everybody goes home and you are left...wondering how you will ever go on. I know what it is to feel that everyone must think you should be over this by now. I know. I know what it is to have to call and inform every insurance agency and bank and business to let them know you have lost someone so precious only to hear them tell you to just send a copy of the death certificate. I know what it is to experience the "firsts" of everything without your loved one...holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Oh my goodness....I know.
I know that the devil absolutely loves all of this.
But, even more than that, I also know that my God has carried me through it all. I know He knows how hard it is to be human. He knows it all. He knows about sickness and pain and loss. I know He was not and is not surprised by the devil's schemes. I know my God has not just walked beside me or with me--HE HAS CARRIED ME...all bloodied and bruised and beaten from the battle. I know He is still carrying me. Daily, I know He changes the bandages on my heart and soul. I know He is the Great Physician. I know He is my Lord and Savior...my Redeemer. I know He is the lifter of my head. I know that I want to forever rest in His arms. I know that I want to be continually washed in the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ. I know that I will, one day, walk the streets of glory with Him. I know He has placed just the right people in my life at just the right times in my life to love all over me! I know He will wipe every single tear that has poured from my eyes. I know He will silence every groan of desperation. I know that in the moment I meet Him face to face--nothing else will matter.
And, I know that cancer will be obliterated.
Oh, Lord! Come quickly!
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